What is a Third Culture Kid (TCK)?
If when asked where are you from you hesitate, and if you give different answers to different people depending if their question sounds genuinely interested or just being polite, you may be a Third Culture Kid (TCK) and most likely if you are reading this page you are by now an adult Third Culture Kid (ATCK) – although you may not know it!
Some adult TCKs are just learning about the psychological phenomenon of growing up a global nomad. Many find relief in knowing millions of others around the world share similar experiences and it helps to normalise thoughts and feelings of:
“Where do I belong?”
“Who am I?”
“Why do I often feel so restless?”
“I don’t fit in, whats wrong with me?”
“I struggle to make or keep lasting friendships and intimate relationships.”
“I have a good life, I should be happy, yet I am often sad and depressed for no apparent reason.”
TCK’s are children who travel all over the globe while accompanying their parents for their careers. Moving in and out of foreign countries with their parents career transfers.
Globally mobile families are also known as expatriates or expats for short. An expat is considered someone living outside their home country and residing in a host country, generally with the intention of eventually moving back to their home country.
Global or expat parents with their trailing TCK’s can be found in the Military, Foreign Service, Corporate, Missionary, International NGO, Education and Medical sectors as well as other arenas.
TCK’s have been described by Pollock & Van Reken (2009) in their book ‘Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds’ as:
“A person who has spent a significant part of his or her developmental years outside the parents’ culture.
The TCK frequently builds relationships to all of the cultures, while not having full ownership in any.
Although elements of each culture may be assimilated into the TCK’s life experience, the sense of belonging is in relationship to others of similar background.”
Many adult TCKs had never heard the term when they were growing up nor their parents raising them or their teachers educating them. It was the 1950s when the term was first coined although the psychological impacts of growing up globally were not generally known for several decades. In the 1960s there were 73 million expats globally and in 2013, 220 million. International employment and mobility is much more common than it has ever been and more children are growing up within worlds.
Multiple Losses and Unresolved Grief
By the very nature of their highly mobile lives TCK’s are often saying goodbye to the important people in their lives, teachers and friends, pets, toys, culture, food, weather, lifestyle…and the list of losses goes on. No matter how exciting the next move or location might be, that does not negate the losses. Although often there is no time to grieve.
Well meaning parents cajole grief and sadness with promises of new friends and a new pet to replace the one(s) left behind; a bigger and better bedroom, new toys. Kids are reminded of how lucky they are to have such opportunities in their life and most adult TCKs would agree its a great life – for the most part anyway. Non the less, along with the many benefits and richness of the highly mobile life comes many challenges that need to be addressed.
No matter how good or exciting each transition is it involves multiple losses and all loss gives rise to grief and all grief needs to be acknowledged and named. Finding a place where it is acceptable to experience sadness is important in processing loss and grief.
Distraction and focusing on the next best thing does not eradicate grief. Unresolved grief left unprocessed will bubble up at some time in your life in any number of ways if not dealt with.
Insecure Attachments in Relationships
Recent research with adult TCKs indicates that a significant portion of this population have an insecure attachment style. And the more moves you’ve had before the age of 18 years the more likely you are to have an insecure attachment according to Kristy Marie Little’s research (2015). And when you think about all the losses associated with this highly mobile life, it starts to make sense.
Defence mechanisms developed in early years to cope with a myriad of goodbyes may have served the child well, but may hinder future close relationships for the child and in later adult life – thats often when the trouble begins and when I am most likely to see you in my counselling room.
Some adult TCKs detach from those they are closest to, their husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend or a best friend, at crucial times but don’t understand why. This can have profound effects on relationship stability and leave TCKs thinking there is something wrong with them, that they are different in some way and perhaps not built to have lasting relationships.
